


Finding myself

by FallenMistake923



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 21:14:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5430995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenMistake923/pseuds/FallenMistake923
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So while at the hotel for a few days, he confronts an issue that he's kept hidden for so long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a youtube challenge and I accepted it. Your all welcome and requests are open.

Jared wandered around the hotel hallway, trying to get away from his thoughts. Normally, he'd be with his brother, Shannon, but he just needed to be alone right now. Stopping at the end of the corridor, he took out his plastic ball and threw it against the wall, repeating it over and over for an hour. 'What if I wanted to break? Laugh it all off in your face. What would you do? ' ran through his head, forcing him to drop the ball and lean against the wall, sliding down and holding his knees close.   
Though Jared hated the fact that he had to make a facade around the band, let alone his brother, but he couldn't open up to what was going on in his head. Lately, he had been falling into a depression after reading a bad review from a past concert. Normally it wouldn't bother him, but the particular review had gotten into his head. 'Thirty seconds to Mars plays in Atlanta: Confused homosexual speaks to our generation. ' he could still remember the headliner from the newspaper. Since then, anywhere they went, people treated Jared with disrespect. But that was if he was by himself. If he was with the band, fans pretended to care about him. He knew he was straight, or at least he thought. Jared liked how some guys looked, but he thought it was because of what they were wearing, and not because of their physical appearance. Though there was one night after a concert when he walked into a club, although once he saw that it was a "male-only" club, he felt........ confused. After talking about how he was confused and didn't know what to do to the bartender, he felt a bit relieved. Being attracted to the same sex wasn't a bad thing, despite how most of the country were homophobic. Jared was still full of questions, but the bartender pulled him aside to talk in private. Though he had a kind facade, once Jared stepped into the alleyway behind the club, the bartender pushed him against the brick wall and kissed him. Jared was shocked at first, but slowly kissed him back, wrapping his arms around the man's neck. The bartender wrapped his arms around his hips, deepening the kiss for a while before Jared's phone rang. The man pulled away from Jared, hearing him whimper softly. As soon as Jared answered his phone, the bartender mouthed out, "Is this who you really are? " and walked back inside the club. Even though all they did was make out, Jared silently craved for more than just a kiss. A few days after the kiss, he felt that what he did was wrong, that people would discriminate him for it. He began to develop insomnia, not wanting to sleep and have nightmares, wearing eyeliner to cover the bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep. He had also started to eat his food, but throw it up once he was alone, causing him to lose weight rapidly. The band didn't see it, but Jared was slowly breaking apart.   
'What if I fell to the floor? Couldn't take all this anymore. What would you do?' He thought, his hands moving towards his own throat, closing his eyes. After a month of getting private hate-mail, he wrapped his belt around his ribs tightly. He had liked the feeling "being close to dying but turning around at the last minute" as he described it to himself. He tightened his grip on his throat, slowly feeling his body tense up. 'Come break me down! Bury me! Bury me! I am finished with you! ' he screamed out in the empty hallway. Jared opened his eyes, seeing the wallpaper slowly get blurry. He pushed his head against the wall, looking around. Seeing the hallway around him get dark quickly, he let go of his throat and panted heavily, catching his breath. Letting his tears fall down his face, he covered his eyes, thinking about what the band would think if he was gay. If they would make him quit the band, if his brother would tell their family and make them disown him, thinking of other scenarios that could happen. After being on the floor for a while, he slowly got up and went back to his room, curling up in his bed and crying into his pillow for the rest of the day.


	2. Chapter 2

'What if I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life. What would you do? ' he thought as he put the conditioner in his hair, letting the make up run down his face. Though he was depressed for a while, he actually tried to commit suicide........ twice. The first time had been after the make out session with the bartender, the second time had been in the last city they were in. Both times he had tried to hang himself, though pulled away from the last minute. Getting out of the shower after rinsing his hair, he wrapped the towel around his hips and walked out of his bathroom to the bed and grabbed his clothes. Jared had chosen to wear sweaters because they covered his chest and back, littered with scars of clawing himself until he bled, and so no one could notice how much weight he had lost. Putting on his clothes, Jared brushed his hair, put on his eyeliner, and walked out of his room and to the empty hallway he had been in the past few days.  
Throwing the ball again and again, Jared kept getting lost in his own thoughts, which weren't healthy at all. Soon getting tired, Jared began to walk around the hallway, though held a blank expression on his face.   
'You say you wanted more. What are you waiting for? ' he told himself, thinking about how after the bartender made out with him had just walked away, knowing that he had clearly wanted more than just a kiss. It was his fault, not going back in and finding the bartender and asking for more. But he had been too shocked to even realize that he liked being close to a man. And he regretted not running after the man.   
After wandering for a while, he came back to the corridor and leaned against the wall. "I'm not running from you. " he whispered to himself, dropping the ball onto the floor. "I am finished with you! Lol in my eyes! Your killing me! Killing me! All I wanted was you! " he yelled out, picking up the ball and throwing it hard against the walls, watching it bounce along the hallway. He put his hands around his throat, starting to choke himself. Slowly seeing stars, he slid down the wall, closing his eyes. Though he let go once he felt his ball roll back up to him. Jared looked at the end of the hallway, seeing the end of a formal tuxedo turn the corner. Carefully getting up, he leaned against the wall and walked to the end of the hallway, turning the corner to only see the man turn another corner at the end of the hallway. Curiosity getting the better of him, he jogged to follow the man. Once the man stopped in the middle of the hallway, Jared stood a few feet away from him. Seeing the man turn around, he was a bit shocked to see himself, staring at him.   
Silence filled the hallway for a while, both man staring at themselves. "I tried to be someone else" Jared sang, taking a step closer to himself. Smirking, the other man took another step closer. "But nothing seemed to change. " the man sang, Jared gulping a bit. "I know now. " Jared shakily sang back, stepping closer to him. "This is who I really am inside" the man sang to him, standing in front of him, pointing to himself. They remained quiet for a while before Jared bit his own lip hard, grabbing the man by the collar and pushing him up against the wall. The man had put his Hands up, only looking Jared in the eyes. "Finally found myself, fighting for a chance. " the man sang softly, grabbing onto Jared's collar. "I know now. " Jared sang, slowly putting his face closer to the man's face. Both of them breathing faster, both men inches away from each others lips. "This is who I really am! " they both yelled, Jared slowly taking a step away from him. The man lowered his hands, grabbing Jared's hips and pulling him back, Jared biting his lip harder. "I'm not running from you" the man said, Jared gulping. "This is wrong, so so very wrong" Jared said shakily, trying to not break down and cry. "This isn't wrong. Being attracted to men isn't wrong. " the man reassured him, though Jared started to shake, letting his tears fall down his face. "They'll all break me down for feeling this way." Jared managed to say to him.


	3. Chapter 3

The man looked at Jared, tilting his head a bit. "If people try to break you, then don't be around negative people. They'll make you break yourself down until you've got nothing left for anyone to break." Jared felt the man's words pierce through his thoughts, looking into his eyes. "Being comfortable with your sexual orientation is who you really are inside, Jared. " the man said to him, pulling him a little closer so their bodies touched each other. Jared looked at how close they were, but felt....... safe. In his own arms. "But......." Jared tried to say, though didn't know if the man went by a different name. "Jay." He said, Jared nodding. "Jay....." "don't run away from me" Jay whispered, leaning forward to kiss Jared gently.  
Once he felt the pair of lips against his, Jared shook a bit, kissing back, wrapping his arms around Jays neck. Jay deepened the kiss, keeping his hands on Jared's hips. Pulling away after a few minutes, both of them panted a bit. "Ah...." "Ah......." they whimpered softly, then kissing each other again for a few more minutes, Jay pushing Jared against the wall behind him, then pulling away. "Oh....." "Oh......." they whimpered again, Jared pushing Jay back against the wall, kissing him roughly. Jay bit Jared's lip hard after a few minutes, both of them pulling away a bit. "Ah......" "Ah....." they moaned softly. Jay grabbed Jared's hand and ran down the hallway with him, leading him back to his room. Jared followed him, deciding to confront the fact that he was gay. And if he was going to be gay, he'd rather be gay for himself, which somehow came true tonight.  
Once they entered, Jay threw Jared onto the bed, locking the door and straddled him. Jared looked up at Jay, both his hands at his sides, blushing heavily. He moved them up jays hips, trying to unbotton jays jacket. Once it was undone, Jay took it off and threw it across the room. "What are you waiting for?" Jay asked, Jared reaching up and unbottoning his vest and shirt. "You need to calm down, your shaking" Jay said, throwing his shirt and vest to the floor, then pulled up Jared's shirt and putting it with the pile of clothes. Jared lied back as jay kissed his neck, making Jared moan. As he kissed down his chest, making sure to kiss every single scar, Jay unbottoned Jared's pants and pulled them down, along with his shoes and boxers.   
Jared felt so exposed, but felt so good, so loved that he didn't care that he was naked. Jay took off his own pants, boxers, and shoes, then getting back on top of Jared. Both of their cocks rubbed against each other, causing both of them to moan. "B-break me down...." he whimpered, jay pulling his gloves off and wiping Jared's eyes, kissing him deeply. Jared wrapped his arms around his neck as jay made him into a moaning mess.  
Kissing and rubbing all the right places, he didn't notice jay move back to grab a small bottle of lotion from the night stand. Pouring some on his fingers, Jay spread Jared's legs and put a finger in him, seeing Jared Tense up. "Relax Jared." He said, Jared slowly relaxing a bit as jay moved his finger in him deeper, moaning softly. Jay put two more in him, Jared crying out loudly when his fingers brushed against a bundle of nerves. "Ah, Ah~!" Jay started to rub Jared's cock as well, hearing him whimper. "Oh, Oh~!" Jay put some lotion on his cock, wrapping Jareds legs around his hips as he put the tip in. "Ah, Ah~!" Jared cried out as jay went deeper into him, hitting the bundle of nerves that made him see stars. Feeling the bed rock back and forth, Jared kissed jay deeply, trying to muffle his moans. Jay went into him harder, loving how Jared was realizing that it's okay to be gay, to accept who he really is. As they both got close, both of them kissed each other at the moment they both came hard, holding onto one another.   
Once jay slowly pulled out, he lied down next to him and held Jared close, seeing Jared pull the covers for both of them. "So......." Jared mumbled after a few minutes, looking up into jays eyes. "What exactly are you? " he asked jay.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm your subconscious. The part of you that knows it's okay to be gay. The part of you that you keep locked away. " jay said, holding him close. "Do you think it's okay?" Jared asked himself, Jay nodding. "It's okay. You need to understand that if people make fun of you, the words they say don't mean anything.' Jay told him, kissing his forehead. Jared tried to stay awake, though curled up to jay, closing his eyes and falling asleep.   
When he woke up, he was alone, only seeing his clothes on the floor. "Bro, are you ready to leave this place? " Shannon yelled out through the door. "No, give me a few minutes. I'll meet you by the car!" Jared said, hearing his brother leave. He quickly put on cleaner clothes and fixed his make up, packing everything back into his suitcase. Once he was finished, he put on his shoes and looked at the room. "Thank you jay. For opening my eyes. " he said, then taking his bag out to the car and putting it in the trunk and getting in the car with Matt and Tom. "Dude, any weird shit happen to you? " Tom asked as he started the car and drove off. "I made out with myself. " Shannon said. "I drank with myself. " Matt added. "I creeped out myself" Tom shuddered. Jared looked at them, then out the window. "I fucked myself." He said, Shannon looking at him. "really? " he asked, Jared nodding. "Wow. We're never going back to that hotel again." Tom said, leading the other two to talk among themselves. Jared watched the sky, closing his eyes. Sure, it would take months for Jared to feel like himself again, but he knew who he really was on the inside, and that would make his life a bit easier.


End file.
